Today I was watching videos again about my dopamine, additionally to that I had a interesting conversation with my friend. We had a discussion about consistency vs creative pushes and we more like shared our own view points, because he is the type of person who can wake up at 5am when he wants to to just get to work and study after his plan. Where as I said, that I am not able todo so. During the past months and years, I more and more got this belief of a productive person needs to wake up early. A person who can follow their schedule and so on.

But I somehow have to find myself over and over to be not able to follow my schedule. I am starting to just do something else when I originally planned something and this is stressing me.

I am very responsible towards certain things like deadlines or meetings but when it comes to myself I am incapable of holding deadlines. It’s a weird and interesting phenomenon and I think one of the hardest challenge to overcome when I want to become successful in terms of money and wealth.

Inner Conflict

I also realized that I have lots of pressure through this and it’s making me feel so challenged. It’s something which I somehow can’t deal with, I have no problems trying as much as I have to to make it work but I have a problem in building so much pressure towards a certain thing and then fail because it’s a one time thing.

For example, I actually embrace learning and like todo tests and exams, but I don’t like them as soon as I can’t repeat them immediately after with the learnings I just made from my failure before.

I also find it challenging, to actually be focused on things I don’t want to do. But I also think it’s normal.

When I am now reading what I wrote, is making me feel like I am very insecure in general. It’s because I constantly need to explain myself to correct or make something more detailed and I include so much of myself or in a wording of “I”.

I also think I am judging myself a lot.

Learnings

So what are my learnings?

• write more down, because it gives me someone to talk and explain to
  • people will not listen to me as much as my writings are
• do more and stop being so insecure about myself
• stop overthinking about failing - like I already do but I think there is still something I can’t point out yet

I also just realized I could once wrap up my whole story and my life story maybe this is something people like to know later.

I also think this kind of diary can be very useful for later and I should continue doing it.

Unfortunately I will most of the time feel the urge to write when I really feel like I need to talk with someone. Otherwise my thought driven brain can’t bring stuff down when I have to. Things just fly by and I wanna do it, otherwise it’s hell of a challenge which will take so much time and effort, so I just life by my daily tasks.

Conclusion

Yeah, I think I have a whole backlog full in my mind of things I need to get down, and I just do them when my brain likes to do them, because I genuily think when I try to make things work and kinda enforce my brain to think of something, it is just incapable of doing so because I automatically get distracted with other thoughts I can’t control.

So for the following years we will find out, if this is really more bad than having a routine and being fully structured.

Disclaimer

Yes I do also have a routine for example of learning japanese though duolingo, but I think the only reason why I am actually doing this is because of the little nudge I put on my home screen to see if I have done my lesson. Notifications are very annoying these days and yes I do like having control about myself to choose what I want to do. Even if that means I just follow my brain. because I maybe thats what it is what I want to do.